Photo grooms, album brides: Why proxy weddings are becoming popular in Nigeria

Agubuowa village in Ezeagu Local Government Area of Enugu State is the setting. The day was Saturday, November 16, 2013 and the event was a traditional marriage ceremony. Among those who converged on the village were the elderly and the young from within the community and its environs and indeed, they were all in lively spirits. For the bride, Nkechi, her mother, Nwakego as well as other members of the Ezeudo family, the day and the ceremony are worth celebrating, especially after a few unsuccessful attempts by their daughter to get a suitable husband. The would-be in-laws from Ikeduru, Imo State had also arrived at the village draped in flamboyant and gaudy traditional attire. In fact, they had in their company a cultural troupe to join them in receiving and welcoming their new wife. In their entourage were the groom’s father, mother, siblings and other extended members of the family. They also looked excited that after all these years, their son, Kelechi, who had spent the last 15 years in Germany, was getting married. However, since the groom’s family was coming from a distant place, their in-laws were quick in ensuring and carrying out all the needed traditional rites for the ceremony. So the usual haggling in settling the bride price between the two families did not take time. Having settled that, it was time for dancing, eating and merry-making. But as this went on, there was still one moment that the expectant gathering looked forward to seeing and that was the proper wine-presentation by the bride to the groom. So as Nkechi meandered through the crowd with a calabash cup filled with palm wine in her hands, appearing to be searching and seeking to hand it over to her lover, the eager-looking spectators milled around the little soap box to witness the true essence of their gathering. As the bride moved around, the atmosphere became not only electrifying but also tensed. They were waiting for this moment. The surging crowd wanted to know the lucky young man who was taking away their beautiful daughter. But surprisingly, Nkechi handed over the calabash cup to a 76-year-old man who was carrying a large portrait picture of a relatively young man. Instead of elation, the atmosphere momentarily changed. In fact, mum was the word for the large gathering. Indeed, it was after some seconds or minutes had passed that they mustered enough courage, and they began to murmur: what has come of their daughter? Why has she decided to marry a septuagenarian from a far away town? Is there no young man from her neighbourhood that befits her hand in marriage? It was question galore. Our correspondent later learnt that the groom chose to stay back in Germany to cut cost. A source close to the family who pleaded anonymity said the groom did not want to waste money on travelling expenses. Cutting cost is not the only reason. Some people living abroad opt for representative marriage because they do not have residential permits that could enable them to travel in and out of their countries of residence as they will. The Nkechi and Kelechi marriage story is not peculiar to them. Representative marriage is becoming fashionable in the country. From the East to the North, South and the West, it is fast becoming the fad. For instance, in a small community in Ezinihitte Mbaise, in Imo State, the same kind of marriage by proxy was witnessed by our correspondent a few weeks ago. Simon Oyewole, an engineer based in Akure brought a good number of his family members to Imo State for his traditional marriage to his long time girlfriend, Akudo Uzonna. The marriage ceremony had all the trappings of an ideal ‘Igba Nkwu’ ceremony with the beautifully decorated traditional wedding cake displayed at the centre of Uzonna’s country home. The couple’s seats were not far off; Simon was already seated, eagerly waiting for the ceremony to commence fully. The bride price had been paid, the in-laws from Ondo were unfazed by the huge bride price Mbaise people are known to collect; apparently, their son had come prepared and had enough money to spend. As such, there was no haggling; the Oyewoles had come with every item on the ‘list,’ including a motorcycle and walking stick. They wanted to get it over and done with and enter the second phase of the ceremony. But when the guests had expected to see a bride dancing out to come and ‘search’ for her husband and present the customary wine to him, it was the bride’s younger sister that was seen, carrying a wide portrait of Akudo. After she and the ‘aso- ebi’ girls had danced and danced, she went and placed the portrait on the seat beside Simon as she stepped back. When it was time to cut the wedding cake, the bride’s sister picked up the photograph and cut the cake alongside Simon. Guests were astounded! There was murmuring from left and right. Of course, guests were informed that the bride, based in the US, could not attend her traditional marriage. They would later find out that Akudo couldn’t come back to Nigeria in order to avoid the risk of not returning to the US since her residential permit wasn’t ready as at the time of the marriage. Even as some guests still wondered in amazement how a spouse would be absent in his/her marriage ceremony, marriage in absentia or by proxy, as it is known, is gaining more popularity. And since the social media became more popular as well, so many people get to meet their spouses on the Internet and would get married by proxy, without physically meeting each other. As much as marriage in absentia is recognised and accepted in some parts of the country, Barrister Ndidi Akobundu said such marriage cannot be accepted under the Marriage Act. “If it is under the act, the two individuals getting married must be present and their two witnesses must be present as well. They must sign the marriage certificate and nobody can sign it on their behalf,” she said. However, Akobundu said marriage by proxy could be valid in the domain that accepts such marriages. “If the custom of the people permits such marriage, then it is valid. There is no problem with such marriage. Culture is what the people accept. If the people recognise that marriage and accept it, then it is valid under customary marriage. But it can never be valid under the act,” she said. In her own views, Mrs. Olamide Solomon, a sociologist, explained that marriage in absentia is usually done by those “based abroad who cannot travel to Nigeria for the traditional marriage either due to costs or because they don’t have valid immigration status and may not be able to return to their base.” But she added, “Marriage in absentia has always been part of the customary law of marriage in Nigeria. In African culture, the marriage is primarily a union between extended families and not always that of the couple per se. The concept of marriage as a union between an individual man and an individual woman to the exclusion of others became popular in Nigeria due to Western religious and cultural influence. “Culturally, it is not mandatory that both or any one spouse should be physically present for a traditional marriage to be valid. In fact, both spouses can be absent. Going down memory lane, Solomon said, “You have to remember that there was a time parents historically had the right to select spouses for their children and even perform the traditional marriage ceremonies without the children being physically present. This is why you used to hear about parents in the village marrying wives for their sons in the township or abroad even without the guy’s knowledge and the woman would be shipped to him afterwards. We used to hear stories about a girl coming home from the farm or school one day to meet the new in-laws paying bride-price to her father. Meanwhile, she had not even set eyes before on the man that was supposed to be her husband.” But Dr. Bola Akin-John of Church Growth International described such marriage as a “disaster.” “I believe and I preach that couples must stay under one roof. If you marry somebody, even if the distance in-between is Lagos and Abuja, you are preparing for disaster. Christians should not do such. You don’t do marriage by proxy. “I know a couple that did such marriage in a church. The guy sent his picture and promised that he would be back in one month. The one month turned to 10 years. They never met for one day. Eventually, the wife had to remarry another person. They had to return the dowry of the first marriage. “Even if you marry by proxy, for it to become a legal marriage, it must be consummated through sexual act. Once that one is not there, it is not a real marriage. I don’t support that marriage and those that do it always have themselves to blame” Akin-John said. Marriage cousellor, Funmi Akingbade agreed with Akin-John, saying marriage in absentia is not always the best form of marriage. “It has a big impact on the marriage afterwards. It has a way of affecting the bond of intimacy and the feel of oneness,” Akingbade said. But for the Chief Missioner of the Ansar Ud Deen Society of Nigeria and former broadcaster, Imam Abdulrahman Ahmad, such marriages could be allowed during Nikkai but in “exceptional cases.” “For this to be done, there has to be an assurance that both of them are really consenting to the union. The officiating minister must have spoken to both of them. He must have established on solid authority that the two parties are down with the arrangement. “It must be established that nobody is being coerced; nobody is being forced or tricked into such union. If there are practical difficulties of either of them being physically present, that would be the exceptional case I alluded to earlier on. It is not a taboo.” Indeed, to some people, it is not a crime. Mr. Joseph Uduma who works in an oil servicing company in Lagos said his traditional marriage was in absentia. “I was in the UK then and I couldn’t get permission to leave work to attend the wedding. Somehow, when I even risked it to attend, I missed my flight. This was 24 hours before the wedding. Of course the wedding couldn’t be postponed, so my wife had to use my picture. Uduma said he and his wife have been living happily ever after. “Ours wasn’t the case of not knowing each other before the marriage. We had already courted. It wasn’t ‘Facebook’ marriage. We were not strangers. Of course, the white wedding was not in absentia. Both of us attended and we have been together since then, and it is well over 10 years now.” Bayo Thomas, who also works in an oil firm in Lagos, agreed with Uduma, saying it was unforeseen circumstances that made him to be absent during his traditional wedding. “There was just one helicopter out of the rig that day and I missed it. I was absent on my wedding day. Would anybody now say my wife was just marrying somebody she didn’t know? It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Such circumstances do happen and you would find out there would be nothing you could do,” Thomas said. But no matter how valid or invalid it is, for some people, marriage by proxy is a no-no. A medical doctor based in Abuja, Sarah Opeyemi, said nothing would have made her marry her Italy-based husband if he hadn’t come home for the wedding ceremony. “He still lives in Europe. He almost didn’t come home for the traditional marriage but I told him that if he didn’t come home, there wasn’t going to be any marriage. What is the essence of the traditional marriage then? So would I have used his portrait for the couple’s photograph? Would I have snapped picture with his own picture by my side? No way!” she said. And for Uloma Obioha, nothing would make her encourage such marriage ever again. “My sister got married in absentia. The guy was ‘arranged’ for her. He was based in the US. After the marriage, it took my sister five years before she could travel to meet her husband only for her to find out when she got there that the man was already married to a white woman. That was how the marriage Packed up." She said.